my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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