I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I died a long time ago.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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