Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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