There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
