he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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