Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
foreskin is a definite game changer
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
