Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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