she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
