he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You're a disaster
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