Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
