P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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