are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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