I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
