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I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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