I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
