I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
