i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
