quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
