WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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