She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
