I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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