Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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