Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
