I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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