my phone needs a breathalizer
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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