Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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