Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
ok first of all what the fuck
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
