I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
