worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
