I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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