I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
