You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
