I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
