Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My vagina just recognized that song.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
