aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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