so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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