I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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