I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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