She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
