Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
