it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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