I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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