omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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