My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
