what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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