My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
