I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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