Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
