I can't watch pbs sober anymore
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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