Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
